- Buy the appropriate jersey. Arnott’s no longer sponsor Dublin GAA. O2 do it now. If you consider yourself a Dublin supporter, throw away last season’s jersey and head on down to Champion Sports and buy the right one. Don’t be a cheapskate. Oh yes, I forgot. You’re unemployed and can’t afford it. In that case, get your sister to shoplift one for you. If you haven’t got a sister, wear a Celtic FC jersey.
- Get a ticket for the Hill. Any Dublin supporter worth their salt wouldn’t be caught dead in the Lower Cusack Stand. That’s for the culchies! In rain, hail, sun or snow, Hill 16 is where you should be. All appetites are catered for on the Hill: burgers, hot-dogs, alcohol, cannabis and cocaine.
- No matter the weather, do not even think about wearing a coat, jumper or rain gear over your jersey. You’ll be a target for abuse and will never live down the shame.
Smoke only in areas that are designated smoke-free – which is the entire stadium, really.
- Bail into the local pubs two hours before the game and drink enough cider to kill an elephant. Drink only large bottles; long-necks are for wimps.
- Leave the pubs and head in to Croke Park 15 minutes after the match has started, thereby delaying throw-in and pissing off RTE.
- When the match is over, invade the pitch and kick seven shades of shit out of the referee for not giving Dublin an obvious penalty. Or for sending off Brian Cullen. Or for awarding a point when it was clearly a wide. Or because this is what you do – you’re a Dub after all.
- Post-match celebrations should include the mandatory chanting of “Come On You Boys In Blue,” win, lose or draw. There should also be a fight. Not with rival supporters, but among yourselves; because Micka looked at your “bird” the wrong way, or because Fat Sammy nicked your cider when you were off having a slash, or because you’re a Dub and that’s what do.
Soakage. A batter burger goes down nicely after 15 pint bottles of cider, seven Sambucas and a baby Guinness, doesn’t it? It also comes up nicely, too. All over your new o2 jersey.
- Dream that this year could be the year Sam comes home to Dublin. The Sam Maguire Cup: awarded to the winning county of the All-Ireland Football Championship. The Dubs haven’t won it since 1995. 15 years of hurt.
- Wake up the next morning in Store Street Garda station after being caught with enough drugs to flatten a hippo.
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