Breaking News: Suicide Bombers To Strike

This just in:

Suicide Bombers to go on strike Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are
set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number
of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with
Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began
last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a
suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this
February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the
increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.


The suicide bomber’s union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable
to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General
Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally
working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for
much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he
currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
“We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to
Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to
tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

St. Susan

Spokespersons for the Union in the north-east of England, Ireland,
Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike
would not affect their operations, as “there are no virgins in their
areas anyway.”

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put
down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle – now that
Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on
going to paradise.

Thanks for this, Mark.

8 responses to “Breaking News: Suicide Bombers To Strike

  1. wahahaha … hilarious!

  2. Pfft!!

    James, you devilish little beast you.


  3. Totally brilliant. Perfectly written, incendiary pretend news.
    Remember that Monty Python song- Never be rude to….

  4. Achmed the Dead Terrorist is on his way round to Keeeel You. 🙂

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