Karen Gillan: Pond
Arthur Darvill: Williams
Act One: Scene One: Regeneration
Int. TARDIS. Previous Doctor has regenerated and has now taken on the appearance of a fifty-something Golden Globe Award-winning actor. He looks British but he doesn’t sound it. Instead of smiling, he snarls. A lot.
Enter Pond and Williams. Pond is wearing (surprise surprise) a short skirt. Williams is just happy to be alive.
Pond: Doctor. Doctor. Are you okay? We thought you had gone to…hold on. Do I know you?
Doctor: Who were you expecting, Pond? Smith? Tennant? Eccleston? Or – God forbid – McCoy? It better not be McCoy. And what are you wearing?
Williams: Where’s the real Doctor?
Doctor: He got a part in a hospital drama Stateside. I hear it’s called Homes or some shit like that. Now, where’s my cane?
Pond: What do you want a cane for?
Doctor: Bend over my knee and let me show you.
The Doctor takes out his sonic screwdriver, pushes a button, and out pops a small white pill. He repeats the action four times and then swallows all the pills. He takes on a manic look and then rushes over to the console. He pulls up a screen.
Get me Cuddius. Now.
Williams: Who is Cuddius?
Doctor: She is the Master’s Mistress, the most evil being in the universe. She has my motorcycle and I want it back.
Pond: Why does she have your motorcycle?
Doctor: While you two were busy pissing about trying to work out who exactly River Song was, I was even busier getting high and laid. Though not necessarily in that order.
There is an explosion outside the TARDIS. It is the Daleks.
Dalek: Where is the Doctor? Exterminate the Doctor! Exterminate! Exterminate. Extermin…hold on. Do I know you?
The Doctor hits the Dalek with his cane and pops two pills down its back. It explodes immediately, killing Williams.
Pond: OMG. My husband is dead…again. (She looks at the Doctor) Hey, you don’t suppose you and I could…you know…
Doctor: Get me some more pills and I’ll diagnose you for life.
Pond: Deal. Where to next? I hear the Salfragians are having a terrible time of it with their nasty overlords. I think it could be the Lupus.
Doctor: Oh for the love of Hippocrates, Pond. Have you not learned anything? It’s never the Lupus.
He looks straight ahead and smirks…