Category Archives: Humour

If It’s Too Good To Be True…

…it usually is.

We’ve all heard this aphorism, haven’t we? Someone or something (usually a network or energy provider) promises you the sun, moon and stars if you sign on the dotted line. But all you find at the end is you’ve sold your soul for a white elephant and nothing much has changed.

Consider air fares. Ireland’s national airline, Aer Lingus, is advertising cheap flights across its European network. I can, if I wish, travel to Paris one-way for €29.99. Great! But how much is it going to cost me to come back?  And how much extra will I have to pay?

The latest information from their website tells me that a weekend break in Paris will cost to the tune of €140 and rising. This is mainly down to what they don’t and won’t tell you – until it’s too late.

Fascinating Aida is a British comedy and music act, a trio of very talented ladies whose brand of humour has won them many fans and awards. I recently came across a video recording of exactly how they feel about this air-fare rip-0ff. It’s amazing how much truth there is in comedy.

Breaking News: Suicide Bombers To Strike

This just in:

Suicide Bombers to go on strike Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are
set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number
of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with
Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began
last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a
suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this
February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the
increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

Image: isurvived.org

The suicide bomber’s union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable
to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General
Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally
working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for
much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the
teeth.”

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he
currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
“We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to
Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to
tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

St. Susan

Spokespersons for the Union in the north-east of England, Ireland,
Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike
would not affect their operations, as “there are no virgins in their
areas anyway.”

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put
down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle – now that
Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on
going to paradise.

Thanks for this, Mark.

A Spam Sandwich – Hold The Sterling, Please

I got this in my mail just now. Luckily enough Gmail recognised it for what it is. Still, for a wee second I was almost (but not quite) interested.

Image c/o orangesoda.com

UK Games Board
Victoria Square House,
Birmingham B2 4BP.
London, UK.
This Official Letter of Notification is displayed in the order of the 2012 Olympics Games that will next be held in London 2012 Opening date, 27 July 2012. Closing date, 12 August 2012. Your Email Address have won you the sum of One Million Pounds Sterling, your e-mail address was gotten through the United Kingdom Information Network Online (U.K.I.N.O)and your winning is attached to a Reference Number: BOGC/9887-44UK & Batch Number: 44/0091-BO1/GC2 been for the International Promotions Program.
Draws of Email Addresses was selected through a computer system from  Thirty Thousand email addresses across the world as part of the IPP and the winning sum for this draw is Five Million Pounds to be shared amound 5 eligible winners by receiving this notification. Send your claimaint details to the below contact for payment processing, data programming and further steps of claiming will be related with you by Mr. Perry Lyons.

Image c/o sfgate.com

Sex: | First Name: | Surname:| Occupation: |  Marital Status: |  Date of Birth: |  Residential |  Address: | Country of Origin: | Nationality/Citizenship: | Email: | Alternative Email: | Fax #:
Tel#: | Cell#:.
SEND DETAILS TO:
Mr. Perry Lyons
Tel: +44 702 402 7924
Email: v-world2010@hotmail.com
This program is promoted and sponsored by allot of partnerships such as: Acer, Cocacola,DOW,Panasonic, P&G, Samsung, Visa, Addidas, BMW, British Airways, e.t.c. Please Quote your Reference and Batch numbers and avoid unnecessary delay/complications, all funds that are unclaimed within 2 weeks of notification will be revoke. We also advise that you keep your winning information very confidential as our security policy demands to avoid double claims/impersonation and unwarranted abuse of this program by unscrupulous element.
Congratulation,
UK Tele Raff
Copy Right 2010
Message-ID: <B898634359A1402FA4B8F770F70D70EA.MAI@home>

If any of you feel like chancing your arm and somehow get lucky, just get me a ticket to the States. You can hang on to the rest.

Story, Bud!

Jacobs Fig RollsThere’s this new advert on Irish TV that features a group of actors dressed up as taste buds.They wait apprehensively for their “owner” to break into a packet of fig rolls. Once he does, they go into a kind of frenzy that can only be described as, well, drug-induced.

When you watch it, you’ll know what I mean. The taste buds speak in a hard Dublin accent, address each other as bud, and wax lyrically over “biscuity bits.” These guys have the munchies.

Methinks they smoke too much of the good stuff.

PS: I don’t like fig rolls much.

Choose Or Die: Join In The Fun

Yours truly, as supplied by novakillustration.com

I’m honoured to take part in Season 2 of Choose Or Die, a “choose your own adventure” style story which allows the reader to choose where the story goes from a given point.

It is the brainchild of Steven Novak, a talented writer and artist and author of the FORTS series of children’s books. Steven got some writers from Facebook together and between them they came up with Red Planet Stowaway.

Last season’s story-line of Choose Or Die was a manic and hilarious chase around Mars, with a protagonist who didn’t know who or what he was. You can read the entire story here.

For Season 2 there is a small change in personnel – and that’s where I come in. I join Steven, MJ Heiser, Richard James, Cathleen Holst, Mandy Ward, John Elrod, Yasamin Alisha, Tomara Armstrong, Leah Crichton, Lael Gardner-Stalnaker and Ryan O’Neil, and together we’ll create a story that will make your brains zing.

The story chosen by our readers is called Welcome To Hellywood. The premise is simple: You’re an aging A-list celebrity (by Tinseltown’s standards) who begins losing roles to younger celebs. You make a drastic decision to go under the knife, but are not prepared for the results.

What happens is this: one of the team will write a chapter and then leave the reader with three possible choices, who then vote for their favourite. The winning choice is written by another member of the team for the following week. The other two choices get their own chapter and usually end with the protagonist meeting a grisly end. Hence, choose or die.

This story can go anywhere…and it probably will. Check out the official trailer.

Twitter Ye Not: Ryder Cup 2010

Ryder Cup captains Colin Montgomery and Corey Pavin have slapped a Twitter and Facebook ban on their teams during this year’s tournament at Celtic Manor, Wales. This is a preventative measure on both parts, designed to stop the leaking of information to media and fans alike.

The ban will also stop players from posting embarrassing updates and status reports. Last month, English cricket international Kevin Pietersen embarrassed himself and his selectors by complaining about his non-selection for the one-day series against Pakistan via Twitter. Nice one, Kev!

If Twitter is banned for the Ryder Cup, we would miss out on some Tweet gems such as:

“Tiger missed out on a hole-in-one but finished with a 69. Some guys get all the luck.” Luke Donald.

“Haha! Sleeping in can pay dividends!” Jim Furyk

“Hey Colin! Who ate all the pies?” Corey Pavin

“Fuck off, Pavin! Call me Mrs Doubtfire again and I’ll cut you a new one.” Colin (Mrs Doubtfire) Montgomery

“Should’ve gone to Specsavers instead.” Padraig Harrington

“BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SOB!” Sergio Garcia

“Keep your fucking hands away from my wife, Woods.” Lee Westwood.

“I wouldn’t touch her with yours, Lee.” Tiger Woods.

“We’ll win by 18 points to 12.” Ian Poulter.

“It’s a 28 point tournament, you Muppet.” Ross Fisher.

“At last, England loves a German.” Martin Kaymer.

“No we don’t. You’re only here because you won the USPGA, you Kraut!” Miguel Angel Jiminez.

“Is the bar open yet?” Graham McDowell.

Interview with the Muppet Elmo

Browsing through Mashable.com earlier today, I found a lovely item that brought a touch of joy to my Monday. Fresh from his “controversial” duet with Katy Perry (and I saw no harm in it: Katy is Katy; Elmo is Elmo), Sesame Street used Google Moderator to sort through fans’ questions for Elmo, and then set up a YouTube interview with the furry little guy.

Elmo of Sesame Street (Image: mashable.com)

The resulting 20-minute interview is both adorable and touching, and it has accumulated more than 3.5 million views over the weekend.

Questions were asked by kids and adults alike, and they included standards like “What’s your favorite food?” along with “How do you actually get to Sesame Street?” and serious ones like, “How do you keep from getting sad when your daddy is away?”

I loved it.

Drink Talk: Conversations with a Bartender.

Your Friendly Neighbourhood Bartender: How are you doing? What can I get you?

Clueless Customer: Hey, you haven’t got Kopparberg Berry?

YFNB: Yes.

CC: Great. Can I have two please?

YFNB: We don’t have any, sorry.

CC: But you just told me you did?

We don't have it.

YFNB: No I didn’t.

CC: Yes, you did.

YFNB: You asked me if I didn’t sell it. I said yes, we don’t sell it.

CC: I don’t get you.

YFNB: Ever hear of the song “Yes, We Have No Bananas”?

CC: Years ago.

YFNB: Well then, it’s a case of “Yes, We Have No Kopparberg.”

CC: *ponders* Two Corona, then.

YFNB: Right you be. *serves CC two Corona*

CC: I still don’t get you.

YFNB: *sigh* And sadly you never will.

A Portrait of The Artist as a Post-Dystopian 24th Century Vampyre

Don't need no toothbrush!

How’s it going’, horse? I’m not too bad, thanks for bleedin’ askin’. This vampyre shit is the business, init? Not that I thought so at the start, mind you.

There I was, knocking back pints of Bud at Molly’s in Ballybough, minding my own beeswax, when all of a fuckin’ sudden, I’m a vampyre! It turns out that the blood transfusion I got at the Mater (you should have seen the other fella – I hit his face so hard he was eating from a tube for months) wasn’t the “good stuff,” if you know what I mean. No, it was contaminated with some stem-cell virus shite. Now I suck blood and live like a parasite.

Not much change there, so. I did that when I was human, living off my dole and my ma. But now I don’t age; I get to keep my ladykiller looks, as well as my Burberry.

Fuck sake, boys, Dublin hasn’t changed much in 300 years. Fianna Fail are still in power. Just our luck that Brian Cowen got infected at the same time as me. Now no one can turf him off his throne. Still, at least the Boys In Blue finally won the 2312 All-Ireland GAA Football Championship, their first since 19-fucking-95.

Wankers!

I joined Facebook For Vampyres yesterday. I’ve 450,ooo,ooo,ooo friends now; but if I start getting invites for bleedin’ Farmville there’ll be hell to pay.

"Dying Light," by D. Scott Meek. Order it now or face my fist!

The vampyre chicks are a bit of a let-down, though. I’m all for showing off some flesh, but bloody hell, lads, wearing nothing but the smile on your pug-ugly rotten faces is enough to turn me off my shrimp curry. I’ve seen better looking birds at a shooting range.

I still can’t get the hang of Twitter yet. I’ve only two followers: my ma and my best friend, Georgie Sparrow. Georgie is the oldest vampyre in Ireland. We celebrated his 301st birthday last week by getting right and royally hammered in Fairview Park. A right laugh we had.

I better be off; the sun’s coming up and it doesn’t play well with my complexion.

See ya next time, suckers!

(C) James McShane 2010

Scott Meek’s Blog: reading. writing. revolution.

The Book: Dying Light.

As I Mature…

Thanks, Mark!