I’m off on holidays this week. A friend and I are heading to Nice in the south of France for seven days. When I return, I am then taking a weekend break in London by myself. I’m looking forward to both trips immensely. But as everyone knows, when it comes to taking time off certain preparations must be made.
1. Cleaning: vacuum each room (hello carpet, long time no see), dust shelves, degrease counter top and cooker, clean out toilet and shower area. Replace old towels with new ones. Febreze the shit out of fabrics.
2. Organise: throw old newspapers and magazines away, sort out post, place bills in drawer (or burn them, whichever works), tell neighbour what day the bins go out (seeing that it’s you that always puts them out), make sure they know that the bins don’t come back in by themselves, renew library books online (for the sixth time) to save you bringing them back.
3. Bedroom: change bed linen (nothing worse than coming back from a holiday only to sleep in the same sheets you’ve slept in all year*), tidy floor, remove and hide pornographic material**, put books back in bookcase, check drawer for condoms and replace if out of date ***, check for batteries (why, I don’t know).
4. TV and DVR: from recent magazines, find out which of your favourite programmes are on what days and at what times, then set your DVR to record them while you’re away. Set aside three hours for this because you will check, double-check, then triple-check everything. Series Record on Sky is a must in these instances. Whatever else happens, don’t miss the series finale of Doctor Who.
5. Repeat Step 4.
6. Tell landlord that you’ll see him when you get back – but don’t tell him when you’ll be back. Make mental note to bring him back a stick of rock. This will act as a sweetener when you don’t have his rent.
7. Repeat Step 4.
8. Passport: check that all official documents are valid for time of travel. (Phew!) Cringe at photograph taken eight years ago. (Note: update travel insurance if you feel the need to. If not, you only have yourself to blame if a shark bites off your leg.)
9. Security: ask your neighbour to keep an eye on the place while you’re away. Say you’ll bring him back a carton of smokes for his troubles. Make a mental note to conveniently forget while in Duty Free.
10. Money: make sure you have some, otherwise it’s bread and water for a week.
11. Reading material: bring a couple of books for the beach/pool/balcony/police cell. I recommend a few thrillers to pass the time, but if you want to chat up the local talent, something intellectual will act as a conversation starter. And no, pornographic material doesn’t count.
12. Repeat Step 4.
I will update my blog as and when I can. Stay safe and keep warm.
* only joking
** really, I’m only joking.
*** they always are 😦