Tag Archives: doctor

Doctor Who(use): All Aliens Lie.

Hugh Laurie: Doctor Who(use)

Karen Gillan: Pond

Arthur Darvill: Williams


Act One: Scene One: Regeneration

Int. TARDIS. Previous Doctor has regenerated and has now taken on the appearance of a fifty-something Golden Globe Award-winning actor. He looks British but he doesn’t sound it. Instead of smiling, he snarls. A lot.

Enter Pond and Williams. Pond is wearing (surprise surprise) a short skirt. Williams is just happy to be alive.

Pond: Doctor. Doctor. Are you okay? We thought you had gone to…hold on. Do I know you?

Doctor: Who were you expecting, Pond? Smith? Tennant? Eccleston? Or – God forbid – McCoy? It better not be McCoy. And what are you wearing?

Williams: Where’s the real Doctor?

Doctor: He got a part in a hospital drama Stateside. I hear it’s called Homes or some shit like that. Now, where’s my cane?

Pond: What do you want a cane for?

Doctor: Bend over my knee and let me show you.

The Doctor takes out his sonic screwdriver, pushes a button, and out pops a small white pill. He repeats the action four times and then swallows all the pills. He takes on a manic look and then rushes over to the console. He pulls up a screen.

Get me Cuddius. Now.

Williams: Who is Cuddius?

Doctor: She is the Master’s Mistress, the most evil being in the universe. She has my motorcycle and I want it back.

Pond: Why does she have your motorcycle?

Doctor: While you two were busy pissing about trying to work out who exactly River Song was, I was even busier getting high and laid. Though not necessarily in that order.

There is an explosion outside the TARDIS. It is the Daleks.

Dalek: Where is the Doctor? Exterminate the Doctor! Exterminate! Exterminate. Extermin…hold on. Do I know you?

The Doctor hits the Dalek with his cane and pops two pills down its back. It explodes immediately, killing Williams. 

Pond: OMG. My husband is dead…again. (She looks at the Doctor) Hey, you don’t suppose you and I could…you know…

Doctor: Get me some more pills and I’ll diagnose you for life.

Pond: Deal. Where to next? I hear the Salfragians are having a terrible time of it with their nasty overlords. I think it could be the Lupus.

Doctor: Oh for the love of Hippocrates, Pond. Have you not learned anything? It’s never the Lupus.

He looks straight ahead and smirks…

Cue music…

Doctor in the House

It had been three years since my last visit to Dr. Kelly. He told me so, after looking up his records. I said I’d been busy. He didn’t reply, but I knew what he was thinking…

So, how did I get on? If you read my recent post, you might want to know. Then again, you might not. No biggie.

I brought a book with me to the surgery. I’m reading Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead, I’ll explain why at a later date. A friend messaged me earlier, suggesting ways to bring my blood pressure down. I did what she suggested, concentrating on me and my surroundings – but not the child running riot in the waiting room. (I can’t get away from them, can I?) I relaxed myself and focused on Ms. Rand’s ramblings on architecture and Objectivism. And focus I did; so much so, I nearly missed hearing my name being called.

After I refamiliarised myself with the good doctor, it was straight down to business: I cupped my balls and coughed.

No I didn’t; I jest. He weighed me and I came in at a svelte 65.5kg, a full1kg weight gain in three years. I’m ten stone nothing, the weight I have been for most of my life. My Body Mass Index is set at 22.5, meaning I’m the perfect weight for my height. Fist pump!

Seriously, if you don’t want to read anymore, I’d understand.

My blood pressure is spot on. I have no problems there. Yippee!!

As to my lung function, I blew into the pipe and came out trumps. There appears to be no immediate damage to my lungs; but I pressed Dr. Kelly about suggestions to help me quit smoking. He introduced me to a product called Champix, an anti-depressant drug that inhibits nicotine craving. He wrote me a script.

The doctor also scheduled me for a full health screening, as there is history of heart disease in my family. My father died of a heart attack, aged 58. He and I share the same dodgy affliction, polycystic kidneys. I’m to give blood samples next week, after a twelve-hour fast, as well as a urine sample.

Come on, don’t be giving out to me. It was your choice to read this far.

I went on my merry way but before I headed into town, I decided to check the price of Champix in my local chemist. Let’s put it this way, if I can get them cheaper on the Internet, I will.

Before I go, the first pop/rock concert I ever went to was by The Thompson Twins. Listen, laugh – but enjoy. I’m off to have my Horlicks.