Allie the Aardvark is in conversation with Carl Byrne’s teen(age son).
CB: So Allie, you’re very welcome to the show. Tell me and my listeners…
AA: All four of them…
CB: …yes, well…okay. Tell all five of us what it’s like to be an aardvark in Ireland, during this time of economic and political tumult.
AA: That’s a nice word, CB. I must use it in my next sentence.
CB: Please do.
AA: This tumult, as you so describe it, came about because the people of this good country have been sent down the Swanee. They were lied to by the very people they elected to safeguard their interests. But such is the nature of politics; you always get what you pay for.
CB: Ooh! The aardvark bites back. I like it.
AA: What’s happening now should have happened three years ago, when the full extent of the shite Ireland was in was made public. It’s a “land” thing, I believe. For many centuries, the Irish had been denied proper ownership of the land they grew up on because the British refused to give it to them.
CB: Why not?
AA: They liked potatoes too much. But I’m not here to bash the Brits. Some of my best friends hail from across the sea. Like Colin Firth and Wayne Rooney. They’re nice guys. Did I mention that I like dropping names?
CB: I believe it’s in my notes somewhere. Letterman warned me.
AA: So anyway, when the banks started throwing foreign money at the Irish, they bought houses and land at hugely inflated prices and this caused the so-called property boom. Homeowners became millionaires overnight. They lived on credit, and paid rates of interest that even the Sultan of Brunei would look twice at – and that guy’s loaded.
CB: But what goes up must come down, isn’t that correct?
AA: Yes. Ireland, like Finland and Greece, became a subprime country.
CB: And the Government allowed it.
AA: The banks were in its pocket; and vice versa. Heads should have rolled – but they didn’t.
CB: The Irish, as you well know, Allie, being an all-knowing and all-seeing Aardvark, are a fighting nation. Why haven’t they fought now? The Greeks rioted, the French love a looting or three, even the Icelanders kicked out their government. Where is the Irish passion gone?
AA: It’s being taxed at 40%. People can’t afford passion anymore. What needs to happen now is proper and accountable governing. But I despair.
AA: Would you look at the shower of muppets who want to lead this country? We have Micheal “Me-Hole” Martin, trying to plug up the sinking ship that is Fianna Fail; Enda “Charmless” Kenny, leader of Fianna Gael, the party that most likely will win the majority of the 166 seats in the Dail; Eamon “Guileless” Gilmore, the leader of the so-called Labour Party, not so much left-wing, as left of nowhere; then there’s John “Gormless” Gormley, the Green Party leader, a man who is as much a danger to the environment as farting cows. Not much of a choice.
CB: Who will you vote for, then?
AA: I can’t, I’m afraid. I’m not an Irish citizen.
CB: What about Jimbo?
AA: He’s applying for Libyan nationality.